"Wow, that guy has WAY too much time on his hands."

Yeah, it's kind of REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING when I hear this. Not even just directed at me. At anyone.

What would you consider a better activity, asshole?

Maybe watching TV? This site says that Americans spend 5 hours a day doing just that. Would that be a better use of my time? Or perhaps I should be texting my friends about unimportant shit. Maybe go to the football game and watch D-average people throw a ball around? OR... Go to a bar and get drunk! Yeah, that would be a MUCH better use of my time. Spend time chasing neurologically-deficient women for vapid, empty sex, drive to Wal-Mart to get cheap shit I don't need... There certainly are quite a few activities that I should be focusing on more.

So while you're off doing all of these things, leading an exciting, important life, if you could take the time to tell me that my hobby that makes me happy is pointless and wasteful, I would VERY MUCH appreciate it.

Longboarders Vs. Skaters

I'd like to ask you a question. What do you see here?



I'm going to assume that some of you already know where this is going. For those of you who don't, allow me to help you out:



Yep.

I'm writing this because I'm sick of douchebag college-going bros that think they're total skaters while they roll down the street on their 20-foot longboards.

Longboards are not used for skating. They are used for transportation and giving the illusion that the owner is cool. While a skater might be out searching for a new spot, or thrashing it up during a night session, or getting harassed the cops, a longboarder would most likely already know the cop from football practice. Then he would return to his frat house with all of his moron buddies and do a kegstand all night.

Most longboarders don't even know what a kickflip is. Tell you what, next time you see a longboarder, ask him what a kickflip is. I guarantee you'll get something along these lines:

"Oh, whoa, I, uh, don't really know, bro. Sorry, man. Hey, uh, you don't know where I could get some bud, do ya?"

LONGBOARDERS ARE NOT SKATERS. THEY ARE ASSHOLES AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH.

So the next time you see a longboarder riding his way lazily down the street with his backwards hat and his cargo shorts and his Oakley rip-off sunglasses, tossing a frisbee around with his C-minus buddies, do the right thing. Call him a faggot and tell him to get a real skateboard.

(A Few)Albums That You REALLY Should Listen To, Pt. 1

Part 1 in a series of record reviews for albums that I think deserve a lot more attention. If you read these articles, please give these albums a listen.

Crime As Forgiven By - Against Me!

I'm sure that many of you have heard of Against Me! before. They recently signed to a major record label and have been touted about on MTV, VH1, David Letterman, the Warped Tour, and other musical graveyards just as Green Day was. But before they lost their meaning, before they sold out, before they started creating garbage like New Wave, they were one of the most amazing folk-punk bands out there. With socially aware lyrics and truly heartfelt riffs that will make you want to scream in the middle of a street until your voice is hoarse, Crime will destroy your pre-concieved notions of what an album can make you feel.

First of all, there is not a single record out there that can match the desperation, energy, and raw emotion of this one. All the production value, all the expensive recording tricks and cool effects in the world cannot cover up a crappy album(as demonstrated by Chinese Democracy). With the raw, unpolished sound of a band's first garage-recorded demo, Crime shows that flashy pedals and 30-piece drum sets are not required to make a hell of an album.

Against Me!'s first iteration has only two members: Tom Gabel on guitar and Kevin Mahon on drums. Both of them alternate vocals on the six tracks that make up the album. And while this is such a short album, while it has virtually no production value, it is still one of the most deepest albums ever concieved. In fact, I personally think that all of these aspects just make the end result that much more amazing.

Violence Violence - Ceremony

I saw these guys live before I had ever listened to any of their songs. And I noticed something: People went off to these guys. Moreso than any other other band. And it was one of the other bands' last show. I had never seen a band invoke such crazy, relentless, fury in their audience. So I picked this album up at the merch table and took it home. I gave it a few listens, and I was stunned. Of all the thousands of bands I had listened to, of all the live music I had seen, I had NEVER heard a band as angry as Ceremony. I had listened to so much metal, punk, and hardcore, that I thought there was no band that could really make me re-think what a genre meant.

But this album ripped up all of my notions of what hard music could be. The lyrics ranted about hating everyone you see. About walking down crowded streets and seeing nothing but emptiness in the eyes of those who pass by. About killing society, screaming in the face of every ignorant, materialistic asshole who measures success by salary. About how there's no love without hate, no happiness without depression. Never have I heard such blind fury contained in one album.

This album revived my faith in the hardcore genre. With such vanilla bro-core bands as H2O and Remembering Never mucking things up and leading the growing movement of being mediocre, I had almost written it off as a lost genre. But then I heard this album. It truly reinvigorated my love for hardcore.

Dead Mountain Mouth - Genghis Tron

There's a reason that Genghis Tron's MySpace page says Metal/Electro/Experimental. Why? Because they are marching down a less-than-traveled path in music. One that bands like Enter Shikari and Sky Eats Airplane have meandered around but never fully committed to. Genghis Tron has come up with some of the most interesting and innovative techniques in modern music. While their latest release, Board Up The House, has recieved critical acclaim and is becoming a household name due to tours with bands such as Converge, I believe that Dead Mountain Mouth is their most amazing work to date.

To me, it seems that Board Up The House was overthought. Dead Mountain Mouth seems that it was concieved, written, and recorded all within the span of about a week. This lends to the way the entire album flows from one song to another, wrenching your brain out of your ears, one cell at a time.

Anyway, Dead Mountain Mouth was a brave foray into uncharted terrain with a triumphant victory awaiting on the other side. If you are looking for something to spice up your playlists, check it out.

Photoshop for Poor People

It's called the GIMP, and it's a photo editing program. It's free, and I'm having an absolute blast with it.

Here's something I made for our little L4D team yesterday.



I've just started, so I'm not very good. I hope to get better as time passes and bring you guys cooler shit.

Let's Have a Little Respect Here!

-I can't read the artist's name, but here is where I found it.

I'm sure you know the feeling. Religious people tell you what's "right." They tell you how you should be living your life. They condemn you for not believing what they say. They spout whimsical nonsense from a book of fiction, demanding that you convert to their hierarchy of cardinals, bishops, and ministers, each one just as blind as the last. They tell millions each day what to think and say and do. They take money from the sheep of the world, thriving on others' stupidity. And when you tell them to screw off, to quit with their mind-numbing trash, society turns on you. Suddenly, you're the evil one. The intolerant one. The hypocrite. "How dare he!" They say. "Attacking someone's religion? That's unacceptable!"

Why is this? Because religion has an "untouchable" status. It's fine to discuss, just as long as you don't say anything to offend the religious. Just as long as you pander to them, everything is fine. And if say that you're an atheist? A non-believer? Boy, you had better do so in the most apologetic, ass-kissing fashion, lest you be branded as "intolerant."

For thousands of years, the religious have told us that we are wrong, that we are evil, that we are going to burn. Entire governments have been founded upon keeping a religion enforced. Countless atrocities have been committed in God's name. And now, when we finally have proof that religion is nonsense, when we finally have the ability to dissent without being put into an iron maiden or burned alive at the stake, the religious have still managed to put the fear of non-believing into us.

What we need to do is be open about our non-faith. Be proud in your un-beliefs. Tell the religious people that if they want to shout their garbage at us, they can do it from inside a church, where they belong. Do not be apologetic. Do not be meek. Show the world that atheists have no more fear of rejection. No more fear of being mocked, hated, or screamed at. WE ARE NON-BELIEVERS AND WE ARE PROUD.

Is Music REALLY Your Life?

I'm sure you've seen them. The "Music is Life" shirts, hoodies, bags,and other paraphernalia that seem to be sweeping the youth like a California wildfire. Kids talk about music. They listen to it. They watch it. They appear to be truly dedicated to the cause of music, doing everything they can to support their favorite musicians and artists.

If you are one of the people who wears this apparel or makes these claims, what you need to ask yourself is this: Am I truly dedicated to music as much as I think and say I am?

Let's administer a test. I'll ask you a series of music-based questions. Tally up the amount of "yes"'s and "no"'s you gave. I don't need to know how you answered. Only you do.

Do you spend (literally) hours a day listening to music? Can you name off your top 10 favorite albums of all time in under a minute? Do you search for new artists on a daily basis? Do you go to record stores? Do you buy albums? Do you go to shows? Do you know what a show is? Do you know what "getting signed" means? Do you hate any bands? Do you know what kbps stands for? Do you know what vinyl is? Do you know what an EP is? A split? A 7 inch? A demo? A full-length? Do you actively play a musical instrument? So you support artists through purchase of merch? Has a band or song or album ever changed your life? Has it really? Do you avoid listening to the radio? Do you have a record player? Do you read zines? Do you know what a zine is? And most importantly: Does music make you feel like nothing else in the world, like there is no word or phrase or movement that could ever describe the euphoria you get from listening to your favorite song?

Because if you answered "no" to most of these questions, chances are that music is not your life. Chances are that music is just another minor form of entertainment to you. No more important than TV, or movies, or sports. You aren't dedicated to music. You just think you are.

So do yourself a favor and get rid of that T-shirt you got from Hot Topic. It makes the people who actually are dedicated to music look bad.

Four Reasons that Family Guy Sucks

4. We get it, Seth. You're a liberal.

Seth MacFarlane(creator of the show) seems to feel that he is the sole purveyor of wisdom on the entirety of television. He thinks he needs to show the world how stupid conservatives are via predictable plots involving conroversial subjects(immigration, abortion, vegetarianism, etc.). But the fact is that conservatives don't watch the show. They don't even care about it. The only thing that comes from Seth MacFarlane's attempts to show the world his intellect is another boring, predictable storyline that ends with Brian or Lois stating a view that they present as a fact. And, from this, his liberal 13-20something-year-old fanbase gets a smug sense of superiority and thoughts like, "Boy, I bet those conservatives are soooo pissed right now!"

Note: I am a liberal. I agree with almost every stance Seth takes on such issues. I just don't want to see 20 minutes of Republican-bashing presented as funny.

3."Uh oh, this joke isn't funny." "Well, then, let's make it 3 minutes long."

Never before have I seen a show that does this so frequently. Instead of actually coming up with something funny, Family Guy drags something out for minutes on end and hopes to get a nervous laugh. I'm sure that anyone who is familiar with the show will know what the "Chicken Fight" joke is. An event is interrupted by Peter fighting a giant chicken for a reason that I'm sure most people can't even remember. They fight. And fight. And continue fighting. It eventually ends with the chicken appearing to be dead, although at the last second, he opens his eye, ensuring that the already god-awful writers can use him again if they need to fill up more time and they don't feel like being creative.

Of course, this is only one joke. There are numerous running gags throughout the show that abuse this idea, and yet people still seem to find it funny. Why? I cannot understand.

2. A Complete List of Every Family Guy Joke Ever

Family Guy's writers are so uncreative and unimaginative that I can list every type of joke it has ever used without breaking a sweat.

1. Angry monkey
2. Family hates Meg
3. Musical (These aren't even jokes. They're just songs.)
4. 1980's pop culture/sitcom/movie joke
5. Sexual innuendo, courtesy of Peter
6. Neighbor joke (Joe = disabled, Cleveland = black, Quagmire = nymphomaniac)
7. Modern pop culture/sitcom/movie joke
8. Non-sequitor joke
9. Callback to an older episode
10. Stewie wants to fuck Brian
11. Failed attempt to be edgy
12. Someone falls down really quickly

Every episode of Family Guy uses a mixture of these premises to produce one tired, recycled joke after another.

1. "Like the time I..."

Yes, I realize that South Park made this point very clear three years ago, but the point has only become stronger since then.

I'm sure you've all noticed it. Every 30 seconds, Family Guy makes one of those completely random jokes that have nothing to do with he current situation. They'll reference an 80's sitcom, make fun of a celebrity, or have a character's flashback. These jokes have no bearing on the current storyline, nor do they derive anything from it. Most of the time, they don't even have a point or a punch line. These jokes are tired and interchangeable, and Family Guy makes them so often that it makes watching the show less of an enjoyable experience and more of a chore.

Well, there you go. There are dozens of other reasons that Family Guy sucks, but these are the ones that I feel most strongly about.