Friday, July 17, 2009

Memories Revisited

I was just in the process of talking to a good friend of mine about a relationship I had up in Oregon, about 5 years ago. For some reason, I've been going insane over it pretty recently. For those of you who don't know, when I was 14 and living in Oregon, I fell in love with this girl named Kaylee. After a few months of dating, I was sent back to California against my will, and I still talk to her every now and then. I visited her when I was recently in Oregon( a few months ago), but the circumstances surrounding our meeting were inconducive to expression of our true feelings for each other(i.e. particular personae non gratae were present). Anyways, I was just rehashing these feeling with a friend, and I felt that I wanted to put them here, where they would be permanently visible.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [named removed to protect the innocent]
To: Daniel Plainview
Date: Jul 17, 2009 2:19 PM
Subject: RE:

In my opinion.. God isn't real.
he's not punishing you for not believing in him.

sometimes things just don't work out.
& I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, it wouldn't be what I want to hear either.
but maybe someday something will happen and you'll think
"wow... now it makes sense"
if not, then. well I got no idea.

at least you guys are still really good buddies.
because if you weren't on good terms, it would be a million times worse, for sure

there'll be a silver lining, no worries :]:]

My reply:

I know, that's why I said he's punishing me for not believing in him. Get it? I don't believe in God either.

For me, it's just endlessly angering because she was the only girl that (brace for cliche) got me. Every other girl I dated just wasn't on the same level as her. We both completely understood each other. There were never any moments of boredom or uninterest between the two of us. You know all those couples that you see, and they're constantly fighting? That never happened with us. We were completely compatible in every way. Girlfriends after that just had all these problems after I dated her, and I didn't want to deal with them. I got used to perfection.

It probably sounds like I'm saying I loved her because it was an easy relationship. It's actually the complete reverse. It was an easy relationship because we loved each other so much. And there has been nothing like that from then on for me.

I know that sometimes, things just don't work out. But what I'm pissed about is that this is the one thing that I would give everything else up for. And it didn't work out. Because we were so young, our guardians assumed that it was just silly teenage pseudo-love and that it would eventually fade away. That made it easy for them to split us up. And that's bullshit, because it's ageism. Just because we were young doesn't mean that we were confused or didn't have the capacity for understanding or emotion that our elders had.

And believe me, I've thought about our relationship endlessly after that. To this day, I still consider that maybe it was just "puppy love." Or maybe that she was the first real girlfriend that I ever had, so I subconsciously invented such intense feelings for her. And every time I think about it, I come back to the same answer: No. I really loved this girl. And I still do. With every fiber of my being.

So if there's a silver lining, I can't see it. It must be pretty thin.