Friday, July 17, 2009

Memories Revisited

I was just in the process of talking to a good friend of mine about a relationship I had up in Oregon, about 5 years ago. For some reason, I've been going insane over it pretty recently. For those of you who don't know, when I was 14 and living in Oregon, I fell in love with this girl named Kaylee. After a few months of dating, I was sent back to California against my will, and I still talk to her every now and then. I visited her when I was recently in Oregon( a few months ago), but the circumstances surrounding our meeting were inconducive to expression of our true feelings for each other(i.e. particular personae non gratae were present). Anyways, I was just rehashing these feeling with a friend, and I felt that I wanted to put them here, where they would be permanently visible.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [named removed to protect the innocent]
To: Daniel Plainview
Date: Jul 17, 2009 2:19 PM
Subject: RE:

In my opinion.. God isn't real.
he's not punishing you for not believing in him.

sometimes things just don't work out.
& I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, it wouldn't be what I want to hear either.
but maybe someday something will happen and you'll think
"wow... now it makes sense"
if not, then. well I got no idea.

at least you guys are still really good buddies.
because if you weren't on good terms, it would be a million times worse, for sure

there'll be a silver lining, no worries :]:]

My reply:

I know, that's why I said he's punishing me for not believing in him. Get it? I don't believe in God either.

For me, it's just endlessly angering because she was the only girl that (brace for cliche) got me. Every other girl I dated just wasn't on the same level as her. We both completely understood each other. There were never any moments of boredom or uninterest between the two of us. You know all those couples that you see, and they're constantly fighting? That never happened with us. We were completely compatible in every way. Girlfriends after that just had all these problems after I dated her, and I didn't want to deal with them. I got used to perfection.

It probably sounds like I'm saying I loved her because it was an easy relationship. It's actually the complete reverse. It was an easy relationship because we loved each other so much. And there has been nothing like that from then on for me.

I know that sometimes, things just don't work out. But what I'm pissed about is that this is the one thing that I would give everything else up for. And it didn't work out. Because we were so young, our guardians assumed that it was just silly teenage pseudo-love and that it would eventually fade away. That made it easy for them to split us up. And that's bullshit, because it's ageism. Just because we were young doesn't mean that we were confused or didn't have the capacity for understanding or emotion that our elders had.

And believe me, I've thought about our relationship endlessly after that. To this day, I still consider that maybe it was just "puppy love." Or maybe that she was the first real girlfriend that I ever had, so I subconsciously invented such intense feelings for her. And every time I think about it, I come back to the same answer: No. I really loved this girl. And I still do. With every fiber of my being.

So if there's a silver lining, I can't see it. It must be pretty thin.

1 comment:

  1. Chris,

    I have to honestly admit that I find myself here because of my selfish desire to tear your ways of thinking apart. I am Sentinel4Hire, "powershotting piece of shit," I believe is what you called me. Normally, when dealing with arrogant and immature individuals like yourself, I become immature and arrogant to prove the absurdity of your momentary passion. You would not be the first that I have pursued to eventually recieve an apology, thereby, in my book winning the argument.

    However, as I came across this blog and read this latest post I was reminded of something C.S. Lewis wrote:

    "It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you are now meet, if at all, a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possiblilities, it is the awe and circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no "ordinary" people. You have never talked to a mere mortal."

    So, in other words, I came here to destroy your paradigm and leave you hanging with nothing. In the most surprising of explanations, I read your most recent blog post and your humanity kept me from wanting to destroy it.

    It is for this reason I need to ask your forgiveness and to apologize for my intentions. It is wrong for me to think ill of you and I hope the best for your future.

    I realize that you may think this a ruse or some bizarre joke, but rest assured it is real. I realize you do not believe this, as evident from earlier posts, but conviction is a strong thing for me. It is near impossible to ignore forever. Anyway, I mean what I say and I only say what I mean. I am very particular about words and I am truly sorry for our exchange. I wish it could have been on more pleasant terms.