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A Compendium Of People Who Are Better Than You Pt. 1

In this edition of A Compendium Of People Who Are Better Than You, I will be focusing on someone whom I'm sure we've all met, dealt with, and thusly, hated: The Intellectual Who Doesn't Watch T.V.

"I don't really watch t.v." A sentence often followed by the opposite party rolling their eyes, saying "Dude, fuck you," or in some rare cases, kicking the former's ass. (Disclaimer: The writer of this article does not endorse, condone, advocate, encourage, or support any act of violence toward anyone who has not explicitly made this statement)

Basically, when people say they "don't really watch t.v.," what they're really trying to say is, "Hey. I recognize that you watch t.v. I don't. While I have no problem with you, I'm better than you. I probably read more books than you, I probably pay more attention to current events than you, and probably am less influenced by the media and pop culture than you. Look at my wool cap, skinny jeans, organic tea, and Macbook Air and revel in my superiority. Kiss the ground where my neon Pumas tread."

So the next time someone mentions the fact that they don't watch t.v., just try to imagine how they must feel. Going through life being more informed and intellectual than everyone else must take its toll. Listening to indie bands that no one's ever heard of and writing poetry that *no one understands* isn't the easy road in life[Note: read part in ** with exasperation and self-importance in your voice]. If you want to brighten their day a little, just mention to them how much you loved Cat's Cradle. They'll eat that shit up.

Revelation had: Secrets of the Mayan calendar unlocked.

Dude. DUUUUDE. I fucking GET IT now. I UNDERSTAND. Mind officially blown.

I was just talking to my friend Dan. He mentioned that he was hanging around some loser homeless drug addict, and the guy's girlfriend walks up and starts hugging on him and telling him how much she loves him and shit. And the guy was just totally ignoring her and acting like a total dick. Dan was confused by this. "Why is she in love with such a loser? What the hell's wrong with her?"

And, completely by accident, I blurted out the most truthful thing I've ever said in my entire life. "Dude. If you're successful, and you have your shit together, and you're a nice guy, and a good person, and you're there for her when she needs you, and you're nothing but good to her, she'll want nothing to do with you. But if you're a loser-ass drug-addicted dick who treats her like garbage, she'll fall in love with you. That's the way their minds work."

I now know why I don't have a girlfriend. I now know why every girl I meet friendzones me. I GET IT NOW. It's because I'm a nice person. It's because I'm going to school and doing well. It's because I'm nice to them. Women don't respect that. They want the asshole that'll blow them off to hang with their bros and do some coke.

Upon hearing this, he totally agreed with me. We were then able to come up with numerous examples that proved our thoughts true. He then looked down at his guitar and said, "The funny thing is, I treat my guitar like a lady. I give her a warm bed, a place to stay, I pay attention to her, and everything. I even named her. I treated my lady like a guitar, and she loved me for it. I guess you're right."

So if you're in the same situation as me, just be a total asshole to women. Pretend that you don't give a fuck about their problems, ditch them to hang out with your loser friends, get addicted to some hard drugs, get drunk and tell them you just wanna fuck them. They fucking flockto that shit.

God fucking dammit.

You fucking people make me so mad sometimes.

You're going to have to deal with the fact that there are BAD THINGS in the world. That ACTUALLY HAPPEN. There are BAD PEOPLE. There are BAD IDEAS. Not everything is fucking rainbows and unicorns. I know you like to put on your Kanye West-style shutter shades so you can block out anything that might make you uncomfortable or sad, but that doesn't change the fact that they're out there.

So everything's going great for you. Your boyfriend just bought you some new shoes. What a sweetheart! You're taking some college classes. You're gonna get an education, cool! Your boss gave you a raise. Everybody likes more money, right?

Congratu-fucking-lations.

SOME people are not in your perfect situation. SOME people wake up everyday, seeing gray skies and gray faces, drudging through their monotonous everyday lives with their vapid and unthinking counterparts, trying to convince themselves that it wouldn't be worth it to just buy a gun and kill as many people as they can before being taken down. SOME people look at their classmates and co-workers and see nothing but an empty vessel, devoid of life and thought, simply going down the path set for them. Horses with blinders on, never seeing or thinking about anything important. SOME people have to get up every morning and catalogue the reasons to not paint the walls with their brains.

For you to act like a high-and-mighty asshole who all of a sudden knows everything about life and emotion doesn't help anything. It just adds one more minute on the clock that's slowly ticking down to midnight.

Hatred is NOT an unnecessary emotion.

"Don't hate, it's a waste of emotion and energy on negative things my friend."
- A good friend of mine

As this quote demonstrates, many people seem to think that hate is a completely useless emotion that has no purpose in life. That nothing good ever comes of it. And this bothers me. Why? Because it shows that many people misunderstand hate. Hate is the guy at the back of the poetry slam that no one wants to listen to. Hate is the kid who no one invites to lunch with them. Hate is the emotion that everyone feels, yet everyone denies. Hate is a massive force behind the progression of everyday life. Hate is essential to the human condition. So why does everyone hate on hate?

If everyone focused solely on the positive things in life, would anything ever get done? No. Why help the starving kids in third-world countries? This PB and J sandwich is delicious. President Bush is starting an unnecessary war to gain more wealth and destroy the U.S. people? Don't think about that, it'll only make you mad. Genocide, rape, racism? Don't think about those. Think about the party next weekend! Hooray!

If the colonists had not hated King George III and his taxation without representation, they would not have left to form a new country. If Martin Luther King, Jr. had not hated the mistreatment of black people, we would never have had the Civil Rights movement. If so many people did not hate George Walker Bush, we would never have elected Barack Obama. Do you understand where I'm going with this? Hate can be a positive thing.

So go out there and do something good in the world. Start hating things. I've even started a Facebook group for it: http://tinyurl.com/mlwwx2

“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.”
- Kurt Tucholsky

Memories Revisited

I was just in the process of talking to a good friend of mine about a relationship I had up in Oregon, about 5 years ago. For some reason, I've been going insane over it pretty recently. For those of you who don't know, when I was 14 and living in Oregon, I fell in love with this girl named Kaylee. After a few months of dating, I was sent back to California against my will, and I still talk to her every now and then. I visited her when I was recently in Oregon( a few months ago), but the circumstances surrounding our meeting were inconducive to expression of our true feelings for each other(i.e. particular personae non gratae were present). Anyways, I was just rehashing these feeling with a friend, and I felt that I wanted to put them here, where they would be permanently visible.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [named removed to protect the innocent]
To: Daniel Plainview
Date: Jul 17, 2009 2:19 PM
Subject: RE:


In my opinion.. God isn't real.
he's not punishing you for not believing in him.


sometimes things just don't work out.
& I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, it wouldn't be what I want to hear either.
but maybe someday something will happen and you'll think
"wow... now it makes sense"
if not, then. well I got no idea.

at least you guys are still really good buddies.
because if you weren't on good terms, it would be a million times worse, for sure

there'll be a silver lining, no worries :]:]

My reply:

I know, that's why I said he's punishing me for not believing in him. Get it? I don't believe in God either.

For me, it's just endlessly angering because she was the only girl that (brace for cliche) got me. Every other girl I dated just wasn't on the same level as her. We both completely understood each other. There were never any moments of boredom or uninterest between the two of us. You know all those couples that you see, and they're constantly fighting? That never happened with us. We were completely compatible in every way. Girlfriends after that just had all these problems after I dated her, and I didn't want to deal with them. I got used to perfection.

It probably sounds like I'm saying I loved her because it was an easy relationship. It's actually the complete reverse. It was an easy relationship because we loved each other so much. And there has been nothing like that from then on for me.

I know that sometimes, things just don't work out. But what I'm pissed about is that this is the one thing that I would give everything else up for. And it didn't work out. Because we were so young, our guardians assumed that it was just silly teenage pseudo-love and that it would eventually fade away. That made it easy for them to split us up. And that's bullshit, because it's ageism. Just because we were young doesn't mean that we were confused or didn't have the capacity for understanding or emotion that our elders had.

And believe me, I've thought about our relationship endlessly after that. To this day, I still consider that maybe it was just "puppy love." Or maybe that she was the first real girlfriend that I ever had, so I subconsciously invented such intense feelings for her. And every time I think about it, I come back to the same answer: No. I really loved this girl. And I still do. With every fiber of my being.

So if there's a silver lining, I can't see it. It must be pretty thin.

"Wow, that guy has WAY too much time on his hands."

Yeah, it's kind of REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING when I hear this. Not even just directed at me. At anyone.

What would you consider a better activity, asshole?

Maybe watching TV? This site says that Americans spend 5 hours a day doing just that. Would that be a better use of my time? Or perhaps I should be texting my friends about unimportant shit. Maybe go to the football game and watch D-average people throw a ball around? OR... Go to a bar and get drunk! Yeah, that would be a MUCH better use of my time. Spend time chasing neurologically-deficient women for vapid, empty sex, drive to Wal-Mart to get cheap shit I don't need... There certainly are quite a few activities that I should be focusing on more.

So while you're off doing all of these things, leading an exciting, important life, if you could take the time to tell me that my hobby that makes me happy is pointless and wasteful, I would VERY MUCH appreciate it.